Let me tell you a little story

So I was going through some old papers and I found part of letter that I had started at some point in my life. I don't have the beginning or the end so I don't know exactly when I wrote it (although I believe it was sometime in the mid 90's judging by some of the content) or who I was writing it to, but I obviously never sent it. Apparently though I wrote it on a day when I was fairly sick and had a fever, which maybe (?) explains why I have random ads cut out from magazines pasted into the letter. Yes - literally cut out of the magazine and pasted onto the paper, Yeah, I know - I don't really get it either, but what the heck. I also included random movie quotes for some reason. Anyway, I though it was oddly funny so I decided to share. Anything in BOLD CAPS represents text from one of the ads pasted into the letter. Movie quotes are indicated with italics, just to help us all keep it straight.
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"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... I'M HAVING MY PERIOD."

No, not really, don't be frightened. I saw this ad as I was looking through a magazine and I was confronted with it. ok, I have a question - how about let's see an ad for jock itch? I hate tampon/maxi-pad commercials. They're so stupid, 'but will I still be a virgin?' That is one of my personal favorites.

So I've had a really high fever for 2 days. Now I'm a bit delirious - to cut right to the heart of the matter - and you have been chosen to experience my ramblings (I'll wave the usual speaking fees).

NOT SINCE YOU LIVED WITH MOM AND DAD HAVE YOU GOTTEN SO MUCH FOR SO LITTLE.

"heh heh heh, it's a clip-on..."

"heh heh are you sure?"

I love Tommy Boy

Ya know what? Today I had a conversation with Winnie-the-Pooh AND the Easter Bunny. How lucky can one girl get? I don't remember everything that was said - something about saukraut & bad perms - but I do remember there was a lot of colored balls bobbing around. It was groovy.

"You can get a good look at a butcher's a** by sticking your head up there, but wouldn't you rather take his word for it?"

Anyway... I'm getting sleepy again. I think I'll sleep some more.

PICK UP CUTE GUYS BY REMOTE CONTROL.

Let me tell you a little story...

Once upon a time there was a girl, we'll call her, uh... Heather. Heather was a wonderful, well-loved child (hey, it's my story - I choose the adjectives - deal with it). She had numerous childhood experiences that would shape her personality as she matured.

When she was 3 days old she took her first plane ride. She also took her first nose dive as the plane hit an 'air pocket' and plummeted. Luckily, the pilots regained control and saved the lives of everyone on board.
Lesson # 1 - you can't plan for the unexpected, you have to roll with the punches but you can choose to do so with determination and courage.

When she was 3, her older brother 'accidentally' pushed her out of a tree because she had the 'good' branch.
Lesson # 2 - Pain can be overcome. Pick yourself up, grit your teeth and smile through it.

When she was 4, her younger brother tried to take away the Fisher Price, horsey, wheely, thingy toy that she was playing with. She shoved him down a couple of cement steps and he didn't bother her about it again.
Lesson # 3 - Stand up for yourself.

At age 5 she was carried from her house by her father in her underwear because the fire alarms had gone off and there was smoke coming out of the heat vents. She had to sit in her neighbor's living room (in her underwear) for 30 minutes with the little boy that lived there staring at her until someone finally brought her something to cover herself.
Lesson # 4 - Modesty is a good thing.

I'm sorry, I seem to have lost my focus. I seem to be under the impression that I am writing my memoirs. I really don't know what I was trying to say. I know what you're thinking, Heather...

WHAT THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING?

Absolutely nothing, it's taken orally, twice a day, with fluids. I never have enjoyed spending time in the land of the heavily medicated. It's scary here.

"I will teach your daughter to properly respect a man. I speak only when spoken to. I do not need a bed, I prefer to sleep on the floor." (Baby Boom)

Want me to tell you something that kind of ticked my off? This dork I worked with - who shall remain nameless because my mother told me never to call people names - was giving me crap about not being married.

Dork: "Don't you want to get married?"

Me: "And end up with someone like you?"

"AM I LOOKING TO GET MARRIED? NO. IN TEN YEARS, PERHAPS."

Dork: "But don't you want to spend your life with someone?"

Me: "And end up spending my life with someone like you?"

Whatever, he always says stupid stuff. You know who I'm talking about. He should do the world a favor and become a monk. A traditional, orthodox, non-speaking monk. Better yet, he should get himself sterilized, become a monk and bury himself in the flower beds.

NOTHING MAKES A MAN SMELL BETTER LONGER.

I feel like I'm in a bubble, a floaty, happy down-to-the-core-Mister-Rogers-is-in-my-neighborhod kind of bubble. Is it possible to feel spacy and hyper at the same time?

"Come in mission control. We're experiencing an unexplainable upshift."

"Roger that, we're attempting to locate the source..."
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"Bones, in the name of all that's good and holy - you've got to help the girl before she hurts herself!!"

"Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a ... Oh yeah. Here child, take two of these and lie down for a while."

Help me please, I've fallen into a mood swing and I can't get out. Perhaps I should sleep some more? I should package this and sell it, I could make some serious cash.

So how are things in Happy Valley? Have any small animals burst into song lately? Do you whistle while you work?

DON'T WORRY, YOU'VE GOT BILLIONS OF BRAIN CELLS


and that's where the letter ends...